When babies and young children don’t sleep at night it might be tempting to use medication to get them to doze off. There are some cold medicines designed to cause drowsiness: such medicines can be a real help to your baby if they have a cold and are finding it hard to get to sleep and stay asleep.

Using them to get your baby to sleep when they’re not poorly, though, is tantamount to abuse and is strongly inadvisable. In any event, using such medicines regularly reduces their effects.
About three years ago, pharmacies changed their regulations and now no longer sell such medicines over the counter if they are to be used on children under 2 (although the medicines can be used on younger children, a prescription must be obtained). Some mums, though, choose simply to lie about their child’s age to get the medicine.

If you think that using medicines to get your child to sleep, and don’t think that there is any good reason for pharmacies to restrict their sale to under-2s, consider this: in February, a little girl called Kimber died from an overdose of cold medicines bought over the counter. It’s not just paracetamol you have to be careful to avoid administering too much of – there are plenty of other substances in cold medicines that can cause death if taken in too great a quantity.

There is guidance available as to how to safely, and appropriately, give medicine to your children.

Firstly, look at the label and adjust the dosage for your child’s weight and/or age. Don’t give them any more or any more frequently than is stated as appropriate for their age/weight.

Use a proper measuring spoon or needleless syringe to accurately measure the dosage.

Generally, children under 2 shouldn’t be given cold medicines unless your GP advises it – and then they will give you the correct dosage. Giving your child baby-paracetamol to reduce a temperature or soothe pain is normally fine as long as you are careful with the dosage, but if you are in doubt then ask for advice from your GP or via NHS Direct.

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We have been discussing the theory of ‘Attachment Parenting’ and what it means. In summary, the Attachment Parenting style
involves bonding with your child through nurturing, responsive care, attending to their needs promptly and with love.

Some parents who follow this style of parenting vary in what elements of it they adhere to, but the sort of things many such parents do is carry their babies and young children in slings rather than push them in prams; allow their children to co-sleep with them in the same bed or room; listen carefully to try to understand their baby/child’s cries/tantrums and resolve whatever’s the matter; avoid ‘convenience parenting’ (which is to say, feeding babies when it suits the parents, putting them to sleep when it suits the parents and so on); and achieving a balance between their own lives as people and their roles as parents.

However, Attachment Parenting is not without its critics. For one, the idea of co-sleeping attracts much criticism because of the known risk associated with cot death. Sharing a bed often precedes a cot death and advice normally given by UK health agencies is to have your child sleeping in a cot in your bedroom for the first six months and thereafter they can be moved into their own bedroom.

Supporters of the Attachment Parenting style say that there are measures you can put in place to make co-sleeping safe – such as not drinking or taking drugs or medication.

Another criticism is that Attachment Parenting theory says that the reason all of this effort should be made by parents is to teach their babies how to form healthy attachments to others throughout their life. Critics say that actually the ability to form attachments is not a trait that must be imbedded from birth but is actually something that can be learned at any stage.

Much of Attachment Parenting theory began in the 1950s, when most mothers stayed at home to raise their children. Times are very different now, of course, with most mothers going out to work and children being placed, often from a very early age, with other caregivers like nurseries, childminders and grandparents. Critics say that it is now virtually impossible to follow the rules set down by Attachment Parenting theory in these modern times – it is out of date and out of touch. Proponents of the theory say that parents serious about following an Attachment Parenting style will do whatever it takes to raise their child in that manner.

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‘Attachment Parenting’ is the name given to a style of parenting that promotes a nurturing connection between parents and their babies or children. Parents who practice Attachment Parenting believe that doing so will lead to their baby becoming a secure child who is independent, confident and emotionally well-developed, able to develop strong, secure attachments (relationships) as adults.

There are eight basic principles of Attachment Parenting, but parents interpret them in different ways and apply them to different degrees. The basic ethos – that giving your child love and affection and continuity of care will lead to a secure, confident child – remains the same.

1. Pregnancy: AP involves preparing for pregnancy and birth in a positive way.

2. Breastfeeding: feeding your baby with love and care (ideally through breastfeeding) will enable parents to listen to and learn the cues given to them by their baby so that they can meet their needs.

3. Sensitivity: all emotions expressed by your baby are efforts at communication. If your child doesn’t have the language to express those emotions then they may act out physically or vocally in tantrums. Understanding that your child is trying to express an emotion rather than dismissing the child’s behaviour as ‘bad’ is key.

4. Cuddles: skin-to-skin contact at birth and beyond is considered a good bonding method. Carrying babies in slings rather than putting them in prams is also promoted. AP parents do not consider that cuddling and kissing will ‘spoil’ a child.

5. Night time: being a parent doesn’t stop when the lights go out. Co-sleeping is promoted as a way to enable the child to be emotionally soothed and fed in the night, whether they are in the same bed or in a cot in the parents’ bedroom. ‘Crying it out’ is not an option. Needs must be met whether it is day or night in order for the child to learn that they can depend on their parents.

6. Loving care: constant love and the presence of a parent. Children need to be cared for by their parents with, at absolute most, 20 hours of childcare per week below the age of 30 months.

7. Positive discipline: distract, guide and model behaviour for even young babies. Understand what the negative behaviour is trying to communicate and work out how to solve it with the child.

8. Balance: create a supportive network of other parents, live healthily and get a balance in your own life so as to be able to give as much energy as possible to your baby.

Next week we will look at this in more detail.

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I had been a mother to my son for the best part of two years before I discovered that the way I had been caring for him had a name – ‘attachment parenting’.

Attachment Parenting (AP) is easier to describe by example than by quoting the theory behind it. So, for example, parents who adhere to AP will carry their children more than push them around in the pram (and when their babies are in prams, they will be facing their parents); give them plenty of affection (and believe that it’s impossible to ‘spoil’ a child with too much attention); talk to them and tend to their needs (no ‘cry-it-out’ sleep methods for AP, no).

AP-style parents seek (and are usually rewarded with) a very close bond with their child, who in turn is generally very confident and secure because they know that they have parents who love and cherish them.

I have to say, though, that I do believe that every parent does what their particular child needs. Mine needed attention and affection and that’s what he got. If he’d been a different type of child I might have given him a different type of parenting. I don’t believe that it’s the parenting that makes the child, I believe that it’s the child who determines the parenting. So I’m not saying that AP works for every child and should be slavishly followed by every parent and that any parent who doesn’t use AP is wrong. I wouldn’t dream of it.

It has worked really well for my child, though. My friend, whose baby was born the day before mine, was a primary school teacher and she dreaded the idea of raising a child who wanted picking up all the time and was clingy, since she had seen many such children find it a real wrench to be separated from their parents at school. Consequently, she rarely picked up her son for anything other than feeding him (she bottle fed) and when she decided it was time for his bed, she would put her son in his cot and leave him (crying – though that didn’t last long, since the little boy soon realised there was little point in crying since his mother would not come).

I felt that this was harsh and that it felt wrong that a little person was learning not to rely on his mum for help and comfort when he was distressed. We differed, too, in where our sons lay in our list of priorities. To give an example, my friend would go shopping with her son and, if there was time, she would take him to the park; by contrast I would take my son to the park and, if there was time, I would go shopping with him afterwards.

Both boys are lovely children and are happy and well cared for despite such different approaches and parenting styles.

Next week, I’ll explain a little more about the AP theory so that you can see if it’s something that would work for your child.

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If you’ve recently become a mum for the first time, you will probably have read several books whilst you were pregnant on the ‘best’ ways to raise your child and care for your baby.  I did, and one set of books in particular caught my eye – ones that trumpeted the benefits of feeding your baby on a strict schedule, leaving them to cry at night in order to train them to know that their crying won’t lead to mummy coming running, and – later – being able to potty train them in seven days.  It all sounded great; then I gave birth and quickly realised that I’d been blessed with a baby – not a dog.

I had been a highly paid professional before my little bundle of joy arrived.  I had been in a job where I knew just what I was doing; I was good at my job and well-respected for it and if I didn’t know an answer, there were always people I could speak to who could help and did know the answer.

I went from that to being in a job where I had no clue what I was doing; where everything that went right was all down to my baby’s amazing development or intelligence (nothing to do with me) and anything that wasn’t going to plan was down to me; and where absolutely no-one could tell me the ‘right’ answer (or indeed any answer) when I wanted to know what I should do.

So I read books and I went on online baby chat rooms and I spoke to more experienced mums.  I can tell you now that the books were useless; the chat rooms made me more worried than I had been to start with (they were worrying about things I hadn’t even thought to worry about but certainly did afterwards) but talking to other mums was just brilliant.  They gave advice but didn’t make me feel judged; they accepted that there was no such thing as a right way or wrong way but passed on useful titbits of advice that had worked for them.  I made some amazing, supportive friends without whom I couldn’t have functioned as a new mum.

Research in the news this week has backed up my own experience in this regard.  Apparently, self-help books and advice for parents in books makes mums feel powerless and useless in the face of unrealistically high expectations set by these ‘expert’ books. 

The University of Warwick looked at parenting advice books spanning the last half century and found that they all – regardless of their take on parenting – set standards way too high and were unrealistic in the targets and goals they set.  The baby-come-dog trainer, by the way, doesn’t have children of her own.

The research found that it wasn’t so much the advice given in the books that was causing mums to feel overwhelmed and inadequate, rather it was the tone in which they were written – more like orders than suggestions, backed up with dire predictions of what would happen if the new mum did/didn’t do this or that as recommended by the author.

In short, babies don’t come with instruction manuals for a reason: they are all different and the child you have is unique and requires your unique skills as a mum.  Trust your instincts.

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Former X-Factor contestant Stacey Solomon was awarded the ‘Celebrity Mum of the Year’ award in a competition held by Foxy Bingo last year – but has now had her award unceremoniously removed and her name has been taken off the shortlist for this year’s award, after she was photographed puffing away on cigarettes this weekend.  She’s seven months pregnant.

Stacey says that she is trying to stop smoking, and her agent said, “Stacey has apologised and is sorry and embarrassed by her actions.  We understand Stacey is doing everything she can to stop smoking and in recent times has cut back dramatically.”

However, Stacey feels that the backlash of criticism she’s received is a bit harsh.  She said, “… you feel even more guilty than you already do because, don’t get me wrong, I felt guilty before all of this came out.  But there is a little a bit of you that thinks ‘I love my children with all my heart’ so some of the comments are a little bit harsh.”  However, she acknowledges that, “All of the responses are something that I deserve. I don’t for one minute think I can sit here and say it is ok.  So I can accept that kind of criticism and although it’s not nice to hear I know that its true [the risk to her baby] and maybe that will give me more power to stop it and nip it in the bud.  It’s a horrible habit and I care more about my children than anything in the whole wide world so anything I can do to give up means more to me than anything else or what anyone thinks.”

The dangers of smoking are well known, and people who continue to smoke knowing that it may kill them do so because they have a choice.  They can choose whether to smoke or not.  Many people feel very strongly against women who smoke (or drink) during pregnancy because the foetus has no choice but to smoke. 

Smoking whilst pregnant causes harm to the foetus.  Babies born to mums who smoke are more likely to:

-          Have birth defects

-          Die from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS, or cot death)

-          Be born prematurely

-          Be born with a  low birth weight

-          Suffer from lung problems

And smoking during pregnancy increases the risk that the placenta will detach from the womb, suffocating the baby unless emergency delivery takes place. 

If smokers reduce the number of cigarettes they smoke, they usually take longer puffs, breathing in more deeply and inhaling a similar level of toxins as they would if they smoked their regular amount.

The only way to protect a baby in the womb against smoke is to stop smoking.  What better motivation could there possibly be?

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With more and more nurseries (particularly those attached to schools) refusing to take children who are not toilet-trained, there is more pressure than ever for us to get our babies out of nappies as quickly as possible.

In previous generations, when nappies were made of cloth and had to be laundered, there was an obvious incentive for mums to get their babies to use a potty as early as possible, though this often led to young children still wetting their beds at night because they were required to be dry in the day too early.

Most experienced mums these days will advise new mums to leave potty training for as long as is possible, to allow the child’s nervous system and brain to develop sufficiently to first of all make the connection between the sensations in their body and the need to urinate or poo, and second of all take the necessary steps to reach a potty or toilet in time.

These are complex processes to be understood and the more we know about babies’ and children’s development the easier to understand why it is important to leave children to develop at their own speed in these matters.

But then we get back to the need for them to be dry in time for starting nursery (at the age of two or three for school nurseries or even younger for private nurseries).

The simple fact is, you can’t potty-train a child before they’re ready. They’re holding all the cards, here, not you, so no amount of badgering or rewarding or cajoling will make them do a wee or poo on that potty if they don’t want to. Making them sit there for 20 seconds every five minutes or other (rather ridiculous) methods will not produce anything other than an unhappy child and a stressed-out mummy.

Your baby/toddler might be ready to start trying to potty-train if:
- They can follow instructions and act on them;
- They show an interest in a potty;
- They say they don’t want to wear a nappy;
- They say they need a wee/poo;
- They are happy to sit on the potty of their own accord.

If these signs occur then follow them. Place a potty or three in strategic places around the house so that they get the idea that they’re a normal part of the household. Buy a book about potties and potty-training and read it to your child. If your child is ready, they will be dry (day and night) very quickly. If they’re not, you’ll be claiming they’re potty-trained despite the fact that they need a nappy at night and you’re still rushing around placing them on potties when they say they need a wee.

If you feel strongly about the issue at your nursery, contact the head teacher and governing body to raise your concerns.

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We knew that my younger brother had become a teenager the day he slouched down the stairs one morning, our dad asked him ‘How did you sleep’… and my brother snapped, ‘What’s it to you??’

We all know that teenagers are moody and stroppy at times.  Their hormones are doing weird things to them, everything is acutely embarrassing, they think they’re the centre of the universe, and they’re going through all sorts of bodily and social changes that don’t even bear thinking about.  Whilst it’s normal for this type of behaviour to kick in in the teenage years (and even earlier, as children achieve puberty at an earlier age these days), how can you tell if it’s more than hormones – how can you tell if maybe there’s something really wrong?

Teenage depression is surprisingly common, with an estimated 2% of teenagers suffering from the condition.  It can be serious, deadly even, but it can be easily treated if recognised.  The trouble is spotting it amongst all the ‘normal’ face-pulling and painting rooms black.

There are lots of social reasons why teenagers might become depressed.  Bullying increases as children hit secondary school; they are much more aware of problems that may exist at home; they may be self-conscious of their size or shape.  It’s all about fitting in as a teenager, and if a teenager feels they are the odd-one-out they can become very despondent.  It can be biological, with neurotransmitters in the brain going haywire when the hormones kick in.  Whatever the cause, though, teenage depression can be differentiated from normal teenage angst by monitoring whether moods improve over time, whether they seem sad or complain of isolation.

Any person with depression, regardless of age, can find it hard to think rationally.  It’s also very hard for a person with depression to recognise that they’re ill or that their thinking is out of line with reality – for example, they may genuinely think that the world would be better off without them in it, and it is very hard for a person in that state to argue themselves out of it.

The sort of things to look out for include a lack of motivation (for school, friends, self-care), withdrawal from family and friends, preferring to spend hours alone.  They may also sleep longer than even most teenagers, may eat less or over-indulge.  They may also start with anti-social or self-destructive behaviour .  Other symptoms include:

-          Poor concentration

-          Feelings of guilt

-          Apathy

-          Finding it hard to make decisions

-          Complaining of pain or fatigue

-          Behaving irresponsibly or rebelliously

-          Becoming ‘nocturnal’ by sleeping in the day and being awake at night

-          Being sad or hopeless

-          Being anxious or expressing feelings of guilt

-          Anxious behaviour

-          Withdrawal (from friends or family).

However, many teenagers can exhibit these signs without actually having depression. 

Depression can run in families, so if there is a family history and your child is exhibiting these symptoms then they may have depression.  But use your instinct – you know your child better than anyone.    If you think your child is depressed then get them to a GP and keep taking them until someone takes it seriously.   You have to fight for your child.  They may be teenagers but they are still your responsibility and they are still young enough to need taking care of.  Even if they don’t want to go to the doctors, use your parental authority to make them go.

Treatment can include talking therapies (usually Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, though this is of limited use for severe depression and other talking therapies are necessary then), usually combined with anti-depressants.  Modern anti-depressants are not addictive and have few side-effects.  If a person with depression has more than two episodes, they may well need anti-depressants in a low dose for a considerable period. 

If your teenager becomes severely depressed then they may start to self-harm, and may even attempt or commit suicide.  Warning signs to look out for include them giving away personal possessions, seeming to tie up ‘loose ends’, giving up on themselves, expressing the view that no-one cares or that everything is hopeless.  They may even be open enough to say that they want to die.  Don’t bury your head in the sand – don’t let it get that bad, take them to the doctor.  You can also call your local Crisis Team (usually based in the mental health unit of your local hospital) for urgent help.

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I had a scare in early pregnancy that led me to have an early scan. The nurse who performed the scan said, “One baby, heart beating,” much to my great relief – on both parts.

Multiple births are becoming more and more common, mainly due to the increase in the average age that women are giving birth. After the age of about 30, women’s ovaries go a bit haywire and more than one egg may be released at a time, increasing the likelihood of conceiving twins, triplets or more. There has also been an increase in the number of babies conceived through IVF, which often involves more than one fertilised egg being implanted in the hope that one will develop into a foetus. There has been an increase in the number of terminations as women who have undergone IVF seek to reduce the number of babies unintentionally conceived through the process.

If you discover that you are pregnant with more than one baby, there are some things you need to be aware of.

For a start, you’re likely to be pregnant for about three weeks less than if you were pregnant with just one baby – most twins are delivered (naturally or by Caesarian-section) at 37 weeks.
You’ll also be kept a very close eye on – you’ll have several scans and frequent appointments with your midwife to check that both babies are developing as expected. Sometimes one twin can be in the breach position, or it is possible to develop twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome where one twin takes most of the nutrition and oxygen at the expense of the other.

Pre-eclampsia and high blood pressure are more common in women who are expecting more than one baby. You’ll also gain more weight than you would if you were carrying just one baby – partly due to the extra baby but mainly due to the weight of the extra amniotic fluid.

It is possible to give birth to multiple babies naturally, but much will depend on their positions. If they are both head-down (as they are in around 40% of pregnancies) then you will be able to deliver vaginally. However, if the first twin is head-down but the second is breach then vaginal birth should be possible, but there is an increased risk of complications (including oxygen-deprivation to the second twin); it may be that you have a Caesarian-section, or deliver the first vaginally and the second by Caesarian-section. If they are both in breech, or if the first is in breach, a Caesarian-section will probably be necessary.

If you have a vaginal birth, you’ll have just one set of contractions (you’ll be glad to hear) because your cervix will remain open whilst you push out the second baby.

It is important for any new mum-to-be to get support from other mums, and to develop a network of support before the babies arrive. If you have always worked, you may not have close community contacts, and your family may live some distance away. If so, the early weeks with your new babies could be quite lonely and exceptionally hard to cope with on your own. So build up those friendship networks during pregnancy – there are special clinics and groups that cater for women expecting multiple babies, so seek them out or ask your midwife for advice. Or check out online sources by searching for ‘twins advice’ to find local support groups and general advice.

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